ahhhh, change is here

Less than a week until I move to Victoria and start on a new part of my journey. I am excited and anxious to get there and begin my new job and find a place to live and get settled.
Under-lying the excitement however is the glaring truth that without the events of the past few months this would not be happening.
While moving was something I had thought of for years, it wasn’t until my son made his decision to end his life here that I was catapulted into really looking inwards to the extent that I have these past few months.
I have been so busy the last couple of weeks with interviews and moving details that I have had far less time to dwell on grief and sorrow. The amazing fact is that however busy or focused I am on things that WIllie still has a way of popping into my thoughts and my vision…unexpectedly and suddenly….bringing a slamming halt to whatever is on my mind or whatever I am dealing with. I will be thinking of move details; what address changes need to be done, what packing I should get to or what needs to be dropped off at the Salvation Army and all of a sudden I will recall how Willie looked when I first saw him in the morgue or how I felt sitting in the room at the funeral home…his body in the casket and my mind not wanting to accept it. My mind unable to grasp that my son was lying there… never to move again, never to laugh, to roll his eyes at me again or storm away from me saying that I didn’t “get” him.
With my impending change and re-location it becomes very clear and impossible to ignore that, for Willie, there will never be change. He will remain, forever, 16, and stagnant. For Willie, there will never be any realization of his dreams or his aspirations. No chance for him to explore his options or make mistakes like we have all made. I will never hear him say “It seemed like a good idea at the time” lol! I’ll never see him realize who he would have been or what he would have done with his life. Never share in his joys or help him through his disappointments. He made a choice that he did not want to continue.
In the light of those truths, it brings clear to me that my choices and my decisions ring true with what I want and what will help to bring me happiness as I follow my heart.
As I encounter people who question my decision making process and even my ability to make rational, logical decisions at this time, I am reminded that one thing above all else right now is driving me to move forward.
The fact is simply that if I were to not follow what I know in my heart to be right it would be a mistake.
I believe that we are, at times, given signs and pointers to help us see what we just are not seeing on our own. Willie’s death is, to me, a massive sign to wake up. I have had other times in my life when my foundation has been shaken, when I have encountered adversity or hardship that has been a struggle. Times when the entire structure of my life has been thrown for a loop. At all those time I have simply picked up the pieces and put my life back together again and carried on. A little wiser and a little more wary…but, essentially..moving forward along the same path as I had been going. There were a couple of times when I did stop and ponder if maybe I should alter my direction and do what I knew in my heart was true but I didn’t…. it was easier to just keep going and plug along. I did make little changes here and there but basically, life just moved along as it had been.
This however is different. Losing Willie has shaken my life to a degree that I didn’t think it was possible to be shaken, and still survive. Even now, I have a difficult time believing that I wake up every morning and move through the motions of a day. That somehow, with the reality that my son is dead, that I am able to function – however altered or lessened it is – on a day to day basis. Even able to find little pockets of joy again and start to laugh and feel it, rather than just show it on the surface.
My conviction to make the hard decisions is driven by the fundamental belief that if I chose to ignore this sign and just put my life together the way it was I will be dis-honouring Willie with my actions. While I don’t believe in living “for” someone, I do believe in living thoughtfully.
It is without doubt that every moment of my life will be lived with Willie in my thoughts and missing him. It is equally without doubt that evertime I find joy or happiness I will experience it fully and embrace it even more because he never will again.
Not living for him but living more fully because of losing him.

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