Parallels and triggers

As the third marker of Willie’s passing swings nearer, the anxiousness rises inside of me. Feelings swirling that I am trying to push back down and make just go away. It strikes me tonight just how good of a job I’ve done of pushing this to the back again lately. Moving to a new place to live has kept my mind stressed and busy these past 6 weeks. Add in the holidays and financial stress and it’s been almost easy to “forget” that Feb 1st is just around the corner.

The similarities this week are just too much though. The move is done, all the boxes are unpacked and the old place is cleaned and ready to do the move out walk through. Jan 29th is the move out walk through; 3 years to the day exactly that I did the one for the other place that I said goodbye to in the midst of it all. It was this week 3 years ago that the same things were happening and that fact has me spending tonight struggling to push it all down, and failing miserably.

3 years ago I was unpacking the last boxes of another move. My two oldest had moved to a suite of their own and Willie was out of the hospital for a mere three weeks then. My youngest was gearing up for his birthday that was coming up in a couple of weeks and in the midst of it all… life was unravelling and we were scrambling to save Willie. I was becoming frantic at the back and forth of trying to secure a re-assessment for Willie that had been promised on his release from the hospital. Phone calls and appointments and advisements of “that is the other office’s responsibility”, said from everyone we turned to. Being told by the counselling service that they couldn’t continue his care until he was re-assessed – and they couldn’t do it – or arrange it…. more phone calls, more urgent appointments… more promises to Willie that we would work it out, that it would be ok.

As I sit and feel the memories washing over and with them, bringing the emotions that I have fought to numb, it’s just not working anymore. The fear, anxiety, panic of those last couple of weeks is filling me and pushing at the edges of my ability to be ok.

The parallels of three years ago and now triggering everything inside that has been securely tucked away and adamantly ignored these last few weeks. My logical mind knows this isn’t healthy and that I can’t do this. Keenly aware of what happens when I push it all down but at the same time, not able to accept releasing it. There are still things to do, work to be at in the morning, a smile to put on my face and answers of “I’m fine” to be given when asked.

Almost 3 years and still feeling no closer to being able to live with this.

A look at good rather than not-so-good

There have been alot of years ( A LOT) that I have ended the year with a very heartfelt “fuck you” to the months past. This is not one of them.

There’s the good versus the not-so-good scales being reviewed this morning in my head and my heart.

To be honest, 2014 was not a great year in many ways.
As far as personal relationships with others went, it was a year of ups and downs of pretty torrential hell at times. Sure, there were also times that I felt such tremendous love and connection that I smiled inside but it was filled with pain and hurt and pretty much wanting to swear off ever being involved with anyone again.

It as a year though, that I made huge gains in my personal relationship with my Self and that is a good balance to keep in mind.

But, looking back, it was also a year that held many highs rather than lows. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing the good but this isn’t one of those times.

2014 was the year that I set some significant physical goals for myself… and achieved them.

It was a year that in which I did things I didn’t think I could, and I’m owning the pride that I deserve to feel for that.

It was a year that I accomplished some things that people said I couldn’t.

It was a year that brought times of absolute joy in my life and for that I’m grateful.

It was a year of experiencing things that made my spirit soar and my heart feel open again.

It was a year of new experiences and new connections to see grow and flourish in the next.

It was a year that held a lot of good.

It was a year that helped me believe that more like that , and better even, are possible.

So goodbye 2014, you haven’t been all bad and for that I’m thankful.