Anniversary time…

We get caught up in anniversaries all the time. Next month marks Willie’s 17th birthday and I am already dreading that day. The fact that he won’t ever be here to celebrate another birthday is weighing on me badly right now. Beyond that though is the realization that for me, everyday is starting to feel that way.
I’m at the point now with timelines that I can look back to one year ago from now and see that this is when it was really starting. Willie’s mood had been worsening throughout the summer but September was when it took a horrendous turn for the worse. September and October were months of taking it day by day, not knowing what was going on but being acutely aware that things were not “normal”. That my gut feeling of things being not just the usual teenage angst and anger was starting to become harder to ignore.
Up until this past couple of weeks I could still look back to one year ago and remember mostly “normal” and ok family life. This fall marks for me the inability to have a “one year ago” that was anything other than horrible.
Feeling very much like that may be the reason for my very marked turn in mood and depression that I am fighting right now. I have to, for my own sanity, have a reason beyond the obvious one of Willie’s death. I struggle everyday with the feeling of not wanting to wake one more day with this reality. I can say with clarity that I understand finally what Willie spoke about in his journals of not wanting to be awake or conscious, of just wanting to have the pain ended and done. I would be remiss to say that his choice of how to make it all go away has not crossed my mind, as it continues to.
It truly is healing one day at a time and trying to move forward. Still not at the point of “good days and bad days” but trying very hard to see the moments of good within the days of just getting through it.

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The Spiral Begins

Another hard day in what has become a steady stream of hard days. So many “firsts” and so many reminders that life is no longer what it was.
The first day of school today. The first day of what would have been Grade 12 for Willie, but it’s not. He won’t attend school this year, he won’t graduate, he won’t have struggles trying to decide what to do after graduation or what to become… no career choices, no jobs, nothing.
It is so hard to see comments on facebook from friends about their children starting Grade 12 and not feel anger and hurt. Not even sure what the anger and the hurt are directed at… not them… but a general anger at Life. At the unfairness of it…the mean way that we tried so hard, that our efforts should have held some measure of a positive effect – but they didn’t.
It goes beyond just Willie though for me and the loss of what might have been with him. I have such a profound sense of loss for my life as it was. My life is no longer filled with children and responsibilities and demands. My life and lifestyle are so fundamentally altered that I don’t recognize it, or me, most days. I don’t know how to slog through the days and make sense of it all.
The anger is there as I try to re-build my life and put it back together again, differently. Trying to make sense of how to do it and have it feel “right” or “ok” when it flies in the face of what I’ve know for so long.
Strangely enough, the anger is not at Willie. The blame is not at him. I don’t know if I feel blame at all really…anger, yes. But anger at the fact that this is my reality now.