One of those days…

We all have them…those days that seem to careen on their own roller coaster, emotions up and down but mostly down…. when it’s really hard to see the light at the end… that the road will get easier….those days when the only prevailing thought and course of action at the end of the day is “fuck it – drink and cry! Tommorow is another day and the light WILL be brighter, the road WILL be easier and the sun WILL rise”…Cheers to one of those days fellow wanderer, bottoms up 😉

Signs and truths

Getting through the day by day is hard and sometimes we ask for signs that things will get better, or at least easier….

Emptying the washing machine this morning and found a rock in the bottom after I removed the clothes…not an unlikely occurence with a little boy in the house that is embracing a rock obsession!

It was so much more than just yet another rock that I should have found had I checked his pockets like I know I should (hello crayons through the dryer, that should have been a lesson that stuck). It was a full on slap in the face that we need to keep on doing the little things that are “normal” that are life to us, in whatever form that takes.

His little world has been rocked just like all of us but he still takes the time to stoop and pick up a rock that catches his fancy.

As big a sign as there can be to remember to live and enjoy the old things that made us smile before the universe shifted..and to finally take a chance to experience the things that we always wanted to but put off. No time like the present. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

Let the happy face slide

Bright sunshine does not equate warmth…a little life lesson I’ve tried to teach my kids and one I didn’t grasp myself this morning (brrr)…. Very much the same can be said for a smiley face doesn’t equate happiness all the time.

We all do it, and sometimes it’s necessary; we put on the mask and say “fine” when asked how we are because it’s easier than the explanantion. And let’s face it; most of the time that question is asked, the person asking isn’t interested in hearing the answer anyways. So, we put on the happy face and go about our day.

In December I was at an event where this hit home in a big way. It was during a nasty time when my son was in the psychiatric ward and the doctor had pointed out that we were in this for the long haul and I should take some time and re-charge. Willie was safe and cared for so I took their advice and tried to take some “me” time.

I thought I was doing a great job of being my usual bubbly self ;)…. however, about an hour into the evening a friend came over and said “the happy face is slipping darling”. Truer words were never spoken. I just could not keep it up for one more minute. That was the end of the evening for me. One of the few times that I decided that faking it just wasn’t possible.

We all need to remember that there are times we NEED to let that happy face slide and allow those that love us and care about us see that we’re not “fine” or “ok”. It’s when we decide to put the mask on and leave it there that it becomes almost impossible to take it off and receive the help that will ease the burdens we carry.

It’s ok to let the happy face slide when it has to and ask for help and say “no, i’m not ok” … it’s not weak – you’re not a failure – you’re human and you’re not alone.

the beginning

Let’s jump right in with both feet, shall we… tomorrow marks 3 weeks since my 16 year old son made the decision to end the pain he was in by taking his own life. The grief and loss are indescribable and at times over-whelming.

This blog is not about pity or be-moaning a loss that we can’t change however. It is about the lesson that must come out of it and the opportunity that it gives us all to move forward with vision and hope. More than anything….HOPE.

My son’s name is Willie. I say “is” and not “was” because he is still with us in spirit, just not physically anymore. He was so many things. His greatest gift to me though is as my teacher. He has left me with a lesson to live my life with the ideals I had just barely started to grasp before he decided to leave.

Truth. Freedom. Joy.

Words that I had embraced and chosen to live by in the past few months. Ideals and a direction that Willie so sought but could not see through the pain and depression he was in due to mental illness.

Truth – to live who you are. To embrace your true self with all your dreams, goals and wants. To not be afraid or ashamed of your needs and to learn to love ALL of yourself, even the parts you don’t like very much. It’s all you. What you may think are your weaknesses are an integral part to your strengths.

Freedom – to embrace your path that you choose. And the secret we all look for is that you can change that path and meander and turn back and loop and re-trace steps as many times as you want! It’s your path and you have the Freedom to have it lead where you want it to go.

Joy… living your Truth and enjoying the Freedom that allows will open you to receive the Joy that is ours. The beauty of joyfully embracing “you” is the gift we have to allow ourselves to receive – and can only be given from within.

The journey starts before we realize it has begun and continues after we’re gone in those we leave behind and the impact we have made. An impact that none of us can grasp fully.

Live open live abundantly (aka Lola)