Energy, Self

I’ve been thinking alot about what happens after we die and where our soul/spirit/Self goes.

Part of this is reflecting on Willie and that I’m missing him, especially as the second anniversary of his death comes close. But it’s also part of a bigger question that I’ve been looking at for years before this loss as well.

For about the last 15 years I have not only practiced Yoga but also been a teacher of it as well. One aspect of Yoga that called to me and clicked with me when I began was the more “eastern” teachings of the Self and our journey in this life and beyond. I have been drawn towards the Buddhist teachings and principles beyond most else for personal reasons. Since spiritual beliefs are a hot button topic, I will suffice to say that my views are mine and yours are yours. Agreeing to respect each others beliefs is the base for me with regards to this.

In working and meeting with a Buddhist Priest last year to discuss grief and depression she had mentioned a base principle in Buddhism with regards to our journey of life in this body that we have for the “now”. She mentioned that each of us have a path and a reason why we’re in the body and the life that we’re experiencing now, this time. That a baby that is born still may seem like there is no reason for it but maybe that souls reason for being was simply to provide an experience for the mother that SHE needed to learn, or the father… or a sibling… or a doctor or nurse in the room…. the fact is that none of us KNOW and it’s not something for us TO know. We just journey. She explained that maybe Willie had learned and experienced what he was meant to and his journey was done. Or maybe his journey was meant to impart lessons for others and that was what his path was for this time. She impressed upon me that I won’t ever know the “why” that I am looking for and that its ok not to know. That was hard for me to accept. Still not sure I do, on an emotional level.

Watching a show this morning on reincarnation and rebirth brought back that visit and is what has got me musing this morning on this. I do believe, adamantly, that energy – what we are made of – does not just disappear when the body we are in dies. I do not believe in the biblical version of heaven and hell… but rather a belief that our Self moves on and continues. Whether that be into a new infancy and human life or as energy in another form, I don’t know.

I know that I had an odd experience about 2 weeks after Willie died that did make me wonder “where” he is… and more generally… where do we go. Do we wander about for a while or are slotted right back into a new start… who knows. I was at a movie with my youngest son and it was just before the movie was going to start… the house lights were still up and there were very few people in the theatre. My son and I were sitting waiting in our seats and there were so many empty rows around us. A young mother and her very little boy (about 2 years old) came up the stairs and turned into the aisle directly behind ours. I looked over and smiled at him and he smiled at me, a really cute little shy smile. The mother passed by behind me and as her son went past me, he stopped and put his hand on my head. It was the strangest sensation and it gave me goosebumps. My son looked at me questioning and I started to turn around to look at the little boy (who still had his hand on my head)… his mother was about 20 feet away by now and she glanced back, saw what was happening and said clearly “Willie, what are you doing?”… My heart skipped and the little boy said “just touching mommy”… and he let go and smiled and walked off with his Mom. Part of me was shaken but a larger part was calmed and at peace after that moment.

I don’t know so much about the why’s and the reasons and I never will. But I’m starting to see past the need for answers to just being able to know that what is, just is. Not acceptance but knowledge. Acceptance, to me, infers that something is acceptABLE… and this loss isn’t and never will be. So I’m settling for understanding and knowledge and belief that Who he is, still is… and still exists – just not with us here physically anymore.