and she flew

and she flew

wind dances in her hair, lifting and playing with the jumbled strands
the breeze kisses her
tingles bring a shiver to her as she roots to the edge
eyes closed softly against the view
the horizon’s image burned into her mind
the setting sun blazes but no heat reaches her
the season has turned and taken the warmth with it
leaving a chill mated with the sun now as it lowers in the sky
steady and strong is her stance
she waits
she knows when its the right moment
she waits
the movements awakens far inside of her
long before any perceptible sign is visible
she draws her breath inward
slowly and deeply, fully into her
her wings unfurl, expand, reach
face uplifted, eyes opening as she gazes
exhale and an effortless lean forward
not so much the freedom of flight she seeks
as it is the release of the weight she leaves
as she soars

and she flew

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One Second

One second.

Enough time to make a choice to stay or go.

Long enough to make a decision that has made every second after it feel like forever.

One second.

Long enough to glimpse the future.

Enough time to wish to every star and Goddess for it all to end.

One second.

A pivot point in time.

A step you made that took one second, and is lasting forever.

raw

so hard, the struggle to try to over-power the feelings of futility

the strength it takes to smile and laugh when the tears are pressing

how deceptive the postings and pics that are made that show hope

the self-hatred as I fight with myself to not give up

battles inside of my mind and body, desires I despise

loathing myself for my inability to be truly what I portray to others

fake it till you make it simply amplifying my grief rather than lessening it

like a pressure cooker I sense it, building and growing

unsure how to live with the slamming of emotions that careen in my thoughts

my friends so happy at my outward display of getting “better”

them not knowing the depths that I fall to still when I’m alone

leaving me unable to reach out and destroy their happiness at my “accomplishment”

bringing me a deeper feeling of isolation and aloneness

my mask of insincere healing worn heavier now

do I pull back entirely as I can’t be what they want me to be – better

no one can stand who I really am right now, not even me

A Glimpse Inside

Scattered, chaotic thoughts rampage through my mind

My mind seems to jump and swing from one emotional arc to the next

A pendulum drawing erratic designs in the air of my mind

Swirls and figure eights, switchbacks and leap frogs of emotional paths careen across my senses

My responses along for the ride, beyond any semblance of control from my intention for stability

The landscape of thoughts changing from second to second at times

A single moment of sameness in feeling too much to ask for it seems

Knowledge that the architect of this hell is the same mind that screams to be free of it all

My mind and my thoughts turned in on itself in hatred and self-loathing through the struggle to

Be Free