Without knowing how or when really, it seems that the tipping point has been tripped. A little slip of the balance shifting. Imperceptibly almost, slowly.
Somewhere over the last few months life has started to flow again. Somewhere over the last year actually, there have been more steps forward and fewer steps back. Somehow I find myself today realizing that the days have more happy hours than sad ones. So slowly this has happened that I didn’t even notice it.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of what’s happened. Not a single day passes that I don’t silently wish that Willie didn’t make the choice he did and that he was still here. Not a single day finishes without my mind having played through the years past – the memories and the loss that hurts because of his death. Not one day goes by that I don’t scream inside at how wrong it is that Willie is gone. 16 years of his life lived and now just simply – gone.
But today I realized that I’m doing what he asked me to. I’m going on. I’m living still. Moving forward. Finding happy again and finding mySelf. Seeing a future where just a couple of years ago I couldn’t see through the heaviness of grief.
Missing Willie, learning to live without him has been the hardest thing – and the one thing I have fought most. Learning to live with grief and not let it swallow the rest of my life – even harder maybe. More steps forward, some steps back… but firmly striding forward at least. Finally seeing that the light is at the end of the tunnel, and it’s attainable.
So the tears happen. I don’t even try to stop them tonight. Mostly because now I see that while I still cry, I am smiling again as well.