Two steps forward and one step back. Another day spent asking myself why days like this keep happening. A day of beautiful sunshine and no schedule. A day that I can do anything I want. A day that sees me unable to do anything other than move about in a haze trying so very hard to make myself believe the story I’m telling myself that I’m ok. A day spent finally giving up and admitting that I don’t believe it and accepting that I’m just not ok today. Another day spent watching the sunshine outside and seeing the minutes tick into hours and the day slide by with me wasting it. A day of wanting to not be on the couch but also not being able to will myself off of it. Wasting it… a day of open options now slipping away leaving it filled with regrets and self-loathing for not being able to just pull myself out of it. I hear the words of other in my mind “go out for a walk’ “get out of the house” “it’s a beautiful day, it’s a shame to stay inside and waste it”. A day of wanting to not be alone but also not wanting anyone near me. A day of hating that I’m just sinking further into the hole again and can’t see out of it. A day of feeling like the one step back today is bigger than all the little steps forward.
Another day of grieving. And wondering when days like this will end.