Some days

There are days when I am hit sideways by grief. Days when I am going along and life is just life as it is and out of nowhere, it’s like someone has punched me in the stomach.

Something reels inside of me and my heart spins out of control. My mind suddenly asks itself “what?!” and it answers itself with “yes, really”.

The lump in my throat catches and tears sting. I can’t breath. All I can see in my minds eye is Willie. I am wrenched with wanting to stop him, to save him, to make him feel better, to be ok, to not hurt, to know that he could be ok, that it all could be ok, that it would be better.

And I know it’s too late. I know that he chose that day a choice that ended his life. And the hurts sits there in my chest. It’s heavy and it crushes me tonight.

Grief is a roller-coaster and tonight it’s rocketing along the tracks and I want off.

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