Almost 2 and a half years ago today and I still wonder.
There had been so many other dates that you set for yourself to end it; so many other times that you berated yourself afterwards for not completing what you set out to do.
Did you know that this time would be different? That this time you would go all the way through with it?
Saying goodbye to your little brother the night before, did you know that would be the last time you would hug him and call him your “little buddy”?
Our conversation in the car, did you know that would be the last we would have?
That night when you went to bed, was it with the knowledge and assuredness that it would be the last time that you would fall asleep?
Showering the morning of your death, folding your laundry and putting notes where they would later be found… did you know that this time, there would be no “after” an attempt.
Choosing your clothes to wear that day; did you know that they would be the last ones you would ever wear?
That this time, in a few hours, it would be your body that would be found when your family came home and not you, playing video games or listening to music…
Did you flip the calendar page to February that morning, the morning of the first, knowing that it would be the day that you really did it… the day that we would always know as the day you died?
Did you know that the next day, the sun would come up and another day would begin; and that you wouldn’t be there anymore?
Did you know all this… and did you welcome that knowledge?