After spending some time over the last couple of days going through blog entries and sorting and organizing them, something struck me very clearly…
How clear it is to see the progression and journey in the writings. How easy it is for me to see when the slide from “just” grief transformed into depression… and how it has started to slowly come around again … the depression not so much lifting as taking retreats every now and then with hope peeking back out.
I skim through the entries and see that in those first few months I was simply a shell. Shock and unbelievable grief; I have very little recall of those first 4 months. I read over my words and see that I was operating in a fog of disbelief at my reality coupled with an attempt at my usual optimism in how I live life. Hope and faith that things will be ok pushed through but it was detached and automated. The disconnect that was going on was so strong at that point. I remember saying to my therapist that I’m not a stupid person, that I *know* that Willie is dead and what has happened… but that I just didn’t, on same base level, accept it. Looking over my writings – it’s clear that the acceptance took a long time… that’s evidenced clearly for me when I read my own words.
It was at the time that the acceptance started to sink in that reality became real to me… and that was when the depression started to take hold. It’s been a long road of trying to navigate out of the density of feelings of loss and hurt… anger and hatred so deep that it hurts. I can say honestly that I have good days now. Full days of being ok. It’s still rare that it’s a full day, but they do happen. The bad hours and days are manageable now and lined with the ability to see that it’ll pass – that life isn’t going to always be as bad as it is in that moment… and that’s something that I see in my writings now.
As hard as it is to go back and read and as much as it hurts to see where I was, it makes it better … seeing where I am now and that, while there are still posts about the pain, there are also posts of clarity about hope.