I have spent the last few days reading (and avoiding somewhat) the news stories and Facebook posts regarding the latest developments in the Amanda Todd case. While Amanda’s story is nothing at all to do with Willie as far as particulars goes it does drag up a lot of emotions for me and I have been contemplating a lot the past couple of days because of it.

I started this blog just after Willie killed himself. It was, in part, a way for me to express and vent what was inside of me; my grief and my hurt. It also was a way for me to feel like I was doing something to help. Help what,exactly? Maybe opening communication; sharing so that other parents and even teenagers didn’t feel like they were the only ones going through it; shining some light on deficiencies in the mental health area of healthcare… I don’t even know anymore.

The months have ticked by into years now and nothing has changed. Granted, I haven’t done anything other than write and share so who am I to complain? As so often happens, time moves on and lives move forward and the “tragedies” are left behind and nothing changes in the system and everyone keeps voicing how bad things are… and nothing changes. I have all the medical reports (well, most and some partially redacted) and Willies journals and the Doctor’s notes (what there is from the family Dr) and it changes nothing. Persons and agencies that made errors in practice or judgement just go on and are not held accountable. Why? Simple, because there is no way to hold them accountable. I could look at legal ramifications; malpractice or negligence, but mental illness being as variable as it is – it is impossible to say with the certainty necessary for a legal case whether the outcome would have been different had his care been different.

Today, anger is welling up that Willie is gone and that for all intents and purposes, it happened with nothing coming of it. The doctors, agencies and school administrators who dropped the ball or simply were eager to wash their hands of him are unaffected and will be untouched by the outcome of their actions and inactions.

To be honest, I am frustrated.


One thought on “Frustration

  1. I had a lot of anger after my son died. Our circumstances were different – but surviving the loss is similar. I do remember that anger was a very difficult stage for me. I hope it might offer you some comfort to know that it will pass. Anger made my grief so isolating and I remember it well. I am so sorry for your pain. It is unfathomable. Hang in there.

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