I’m going through papers this morning and finally organizing a little box I have of magazines and books that I am always going to get around to reading. I came across a magazine that I barely remember my counsellor giving me a few months ago. It’s turned to a story about a young man who killed himself and the article is about how his family is moving on. She gave it to me to read to help me see that things do get better and move forward. I finally sat down to read it this morning. First, it’s heavily slanted to a religious bent as it is a Minister and his wife who lost their son; so the entire article is about how god is helping them through… so, not too applicable to my life and journey, but to each their own.
One line struck me though as I read… “If love could keep a mentally ill child alive, he would be alive” No matter all of the differences in the story or the types of comfort this family is finding after the fact – that simple truth is universal I believe for all families who have lost a child to suicide.
This is something I still struggle with on a daily basis and it is something that cripples me in moving forward. The grief that I “should” have been able to save him from himself. That I failed in my one fundamental job as his Mother to keep him safe. It’s an irrational grief and guilt and I know this but it doesn’t change that it’s how I feel and that it haunts me.
The saying is that the first step is acknowledging the issue… it’s taken 2 years of me verbalizing that I have no guilt to finally come to the stage that I can admit – to myself more than anyone else even – that the guilt is so heavy. Maybe now I can start to move through this and let it go, and move forward.