Weekend introspection

“It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world – Chaos Theory”

As the two year mark since Willie’s death passes I am thinking on cause and effect and where I find myself in my life now.

There are times that we make conscious decisions to do something that we know will have an effect. Other times, we are unaware of how what we do affects others.

I’m someone that has been blessed to have many friends in my life who have helped me in the past, I’ve been the recipient a few times of anonymous “angels” that have provided for me at a time of need; I arrived home once after moving after separating from my husband at the time to find a bag of groceries on my doorstep. To this day I have no idea who did that for me and I hope they know how much of a difference it made to me… not only that week but to this day. Having a friend and client approach me one day and tell me simply that they were going to fix my transmission for me… because they could afford to and I couldn’t – and they cared for me and my family and wanted to help. Being able to buy a house because of help from people who share that belief that if you CAN help, then it’s right to do so. I believe strongly in the premise of “paying it forward” and even if I can’t do something on that scale, I do what I can… always have.

I count myself as incredibly blessed and lucky in my life in so many ways – even at my low points I recognize that I have it pretty good, comparatively. I have a place to live that I can afford without concern. Enough food to eat and my bills always paid on time. Beyond the material things in life, I have a life filled with not only friends, but acquaintances that I enjoy spending time with. I have a lifestyle that I love that I have finally made a reality after years of wishing to live differently. I recently have been lucky enough to have found love again – in spite of my protestations that I don’t want or need it in my life – and again, in a lifestyle format that is what I want, with more than one partner to call “mine”.

This past weekend was spent connecting with old friends and making some new ones… as well as a turning point in a great direction in new relationships. Emotionally draining and exhausting but renewing and empowering at the same time.

The many moments of overwhelming emotion this weekend that were caused by the knowledge that as happy as I find myself in so many moments… I also have that depth of grief and loss that is still there and still felt so profoundly. Ruffling every blink of joy the same way that a butterfly’s wing tip can cause a fury of destruction.

I hope only that those close to me – and those new to me – understand that the smile on my face and the love in my hugs is just as sincere as the tears of hurt when they flow. Both part of me… and neither lessened by the existence of the other – coexisting and balancing in my life. When the tears stop, I am grateful for those still with me to enjoy the laughter that DOES flow just as freely now – finally.

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