You know how you were told as a child that if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all? Well, that explains my silence on the blogosphere recently.
With depression and grief – and the depression has reared up again badly lately – there are times, many many times, when I feel like I sound like a broken record… and what do you do with a broken record that keeps skipping? You shut it off – because it’s annoying. And you can’t make it play “right”… so you just give up and make the infernal noise stop.
That’s how I feel lately. No point in writing about how much it hurts – it’s all been said before. No point in trying to be optimistic and hopeful – I don’t feel it right now. So, silence for a while.
I know that I have many friends and loved ones who tell me over and over again that I can just be how I am and it’s ok. I believe them… but I also feel that having my shit and my issues a part of their daily life is not only not fair, it makes me feel like a burden.
Regardless of how many times someone tells me I’m not, it doesn’t make a difference in how I feel. The reality is that if someone you love and care for needs help or nurturing or care then you give it… I’m the same way… and I am blessed to have friends who are the same way too – I know that. It doesn’t change the over-whelming desire I have to just go away and remove myself from everyone. It doesn’t change that I want to just say “fine” when asked how I am by my closest people in my life now. Because I’m so sorry and ashamed and upset that I’m NOT fine – in spite of all of their love and support and caring… I’m frustrated at myself that I have so much love in my life and people who care so deeply for me and I’m not able to be better and ok. The anger that I have at myself for not being strong enough to do what I keep being told that I need to do is insurmountable some days. Today being one of those days. Fingers crossed tomorrow’s better.