It’s been 2 years from the day that Willie was first admitted to the hospital in an attempt to help him with his mental illness.
I have been counselled so many times to let go and move forward and not to dwell in the past. I’ve made gains in that area and I recognize that fact. The truth is that I am moving forward… I have spent the last 2 months not thinking about or looking at Willie’s medical records or hospital reports in an attempt to put some distance there. Before that I had fought long and hard to get all the copies that I could and to really uncover all of the ins and outs of his care – that I didn’t already know or have access to. I did get almost everything, save for some redacted files from the government agency that he saw for care.
I spent weeks going over the documents, almost obsessively. I know now that it was my way of searching for that one thing that if done differently would have saved him. A pointless search. Nothing can change what is and no matter what, this is the truth that we all have to live with. So I put them away and put my focus on moving forward and healing and letting go of the search for a “why” his treatment couldn’t stop him from killing himself.
Now, a couple of months later, I feel a stirring that something is unfinished. Willie’s journey and story isn’t over and I am again feeling like I can’t just let it go. I know for certain that some of his care was less than what it should have been and that actions were either taken or not taken at times that impacted his treatment direction. I know that those actions were perpetrated by specific medical persons and not just a matter of “policies” or “the system”.
So now, I need to decide whether me taking action will change anything for anyone else moving forward – because it won’t help Willie. Is it worth the turmoil and the stress and the pain I anticipate it will cause me? For an uncertain outcome and possibly more frustration that, in the end, no one will be held accountable for actions that contributed to Willie’s treatment being less than it could have been…
That’s the question right now and one that will take some time to decide I think.