I have had a few people ask me recently if I still talk to Willie. I do, but in my own head, and very rarely. In the early morning hours this morning, amidst many tears, I talked to him… out loud and for a while. Now don’t worry, I’m not going crazy, he didn’t talk back or anything…
I told him many personal things that have been on my mind about losing him and about his passing. I shared with him how wrong he was when he told me that while losing him would be sad, that I would “get over it and be happier”. I explained to him that while I understood his decision and accept it now, I’m not – and never will be – over it and happier without him here. That he was wrong in that.
I tried to explain to him how hard it has been for me to keep going without him; that the pain of accepting that he killed himself has brought me – many times – to contemplate the same way of ending the pain inside of msyelf. I told him how thankful I am that he left me that note that he did and for what it said. That his words have gotten me through some horrible moments and helped me make the choice to stay. I thanked him for leaving behind his journals so that I could understand what drove him to what he did.
I asked him to forgive me for not being able to save him from himself, because I am having a very hard time with that. And I told him I don’t blame him and that there is , in my mind, nothing for me to forgive him for. He did what he felt was the only thing he could do to end what he was living with. He may not have been right – or he may have been, we’ll never know – but it was what he believed was right. And because of that, I don’t blame him for his choice.
I told him that I love him… and I remembered what his voice sounded like when he used to say it to me. Memories are all I have left now…even though they may not be what I want to move forward with instead of him, I am thankful for them.