I have always had a “thing” for numbers. I used to work for the visa centre for Royal Bank and I could easily memorize and recall merchant numbers, prefixes, codes etc easily. The numbers just stuck. I didn’t try, they just did. I could recite specific card numbers back if needed for re-entry at times. Just the way it was. Some numbers have always recurred in my life. 3:21pm for instance. This was what time I got out of junior high every day for three years. I still remember that every time I look at a clock at 3:21pm. I don’t try to recall that, it’s just there.

Birthdays, anniversaries…. all sorts of dates for people I hold close and some I can barely remember… but the numbers stick. I have phone numbers and addresses for the last 20 years still bouncing around inside of my head, able to be called forward at whim. Birthdays of relatives long gone still flicker on the dates as they come every year.

A quirk that has helped me and fascinated me but just the way I am.

4:14am, 9:56am, 12:15pm, 9:49pm… Birth times of my children.

Whenever I glance at a clock and see one of those times I immediately am taken back to those times. It’s automatic. I see 9:49pm on the clock and the first thought in my head is “Son 4’s birth time”. Subconscious almost.

Feb 1st… The day Willie died. Time… not sure for certain. He was alone when he left this life and only he knows the when; and the why… 12:50pm… the time that it was when I looked at the clock at work that date and almost called him. But I didn’t. 2:30pm… what time I did call him and there was no answer. Times that stick in my mind now.

The first of every month comes and I struggles to make it through. It’s not a conscious intended memorization and recognition… it just happens.

Oct 14th. Willie’s original due date for his birth. I can’t stop my mind from remembering these numbers. Oct 21st. What would have been Willie’s 18th birthday.

3, the number of my children I have who I can still tell that I love and miss them and have them here to hear me.

1, the number of my children no longer alive but that I love and miss every day.


One thought on “Numbers

  1. ❤ this made me cry. Dont keep this bottled up. Share everything, thats how I cope. <3333333 Love you hun, I love you so much, and dont be sad, please ❤

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