Pineapple, grapes and rice crackers

Pineapple, grapes and rice crackers… that was Thanksgiving Dinner this evening. Now, don’t think I was alone because I have no one. I was invited to 2 different dinners by friends. Both I initially said yes to and both I then quickly changed my mind. Why?
Because today is a not good day for me. Why? I don’t know. It’s that simple. Yesterday was allright. Helping friends refinish and build some furniture. Lots of laughter and companionship. A good day. A small blip of “up” from the massive ptsd moments that hit the day before (another story…coming soon when I can form that experience into words). A day that did end with me leaving and going home feeling exhausted and mentally drained. I’m not used to happy emotions and while the day was good, it was draining.
I barely slept last night and awoke this morning tired and full of tears. Willing myself to be excited to meet a friend for breakfast before another day of furniture work with friends I headed out. Had an honestly enjoyable breakfast and good conversation. Conversation that was all at once good but also taxing. I walked away feeling like I had run a marathon. Not that I had put on a face and faked it so much as that it had taken every last bit of reserves that I had to carry myself through it.
The rest of the day spent trying to keep my emotions in check and be able to function. A blanket of sadness sitting on me as I went throughout the days activities… Finally cancelling out on the first set of dinner plans and just going home.
Reaching out to another friend after a couple hours at home. The solitude and aloneness too much. Another invite to a dinner and I accept spontaneously only to then withdraw within a few minutes as the prospect of a room full of various friends and conversation and interaction just overwhelms me. The mere thought of that too much for me as I feel like all I would do is be in the way and have nothing to offer in the way of company or ambience.
This is not a case of “poor me” or ” they’re all going to have more fun without me” pity party – it’s the reality that being like “this” in a room full of people who aren’t makes me feel even more alone. The clipped replies I get now when I cancel out of “ok, take care” then nothing does make me feel like the invite was cursory and like my presence won’t be missed anyways so why bother? It feels like it has become a case of “ok, we’ll invite you but if you need some convincing, we’re not doing it anymore – you said no but meant ‘yes please help draw me out’ but we’re all done with that”!
I’m not always able to say that I want to come but feel like I’m a social pariah now. I have a very hard time reaching out and feeling now like no one is even willing to meet me half way when I do is crushing. I really don’t need another “tough love” text or email or conversation. Trust me, I AM trying… evenings spent alone knowing that this isolation is self-imposed are not made better by getting a text saying that I was invited and chose to stay home so don’t complain that you feel lonely.
Thanksgiving… I could recite all the wonderful things in my life to be thankful for – and I have many – I know that. But the truth is that tonight I feel far from thankful.

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