so hard, the struggle to try to over-power the feelings of futility

the strength it takes to smile and laugh when the tears are pressing

how deceptive the postings and pics that are made that show hope

the self-hatred as I fight with myself to not give up

battles inside of my mind and body, desires I despise

loathing myself for my inability to be truly what I portray to others

fake it till you make it simply amplifying my grief rather than lessening it

like a pressure cooker I sense it, building and growing

unsure how to live with the slamming of emotions that careen in my thoughts

my friends so happy at my outward display of getting “better”

them not knowing the depths that I fall to still when I’m alone

leaving me unable to reach out and destroy their happiness at my “accomplishment”

bringing me a deeper feeling of isolation and aloneness

my mask of insincere healing worn heavier now

do I pull back entirely as I can’t be what they want me to be – better

no one can stand who I really am right now, not even me


2 thoughts on “raw

  1. My dear, dear daughter: How can I help you? I don’t know how to help you. My eyes shed tears as I write this. I know you don’t want to hear that, but I am so sad for you. Please, don’t give up! I can’t bear to see you in such pain. Please, don’t give up. It will get better. Time does help that, eventually, even if you don’t believe that, it’s true! You don’t like to hear me say I’m praying for you, but I am. I cannot change who I am either. I only have God to turn to and I know He loves you as much as He loves me. So I am asking God to help you. And I love you so much. Mom oxoxoxo

  2. Took a bit, but I found it. This is what I believe about you and where you are:

    “Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

    When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you…Or come in and carry you out. ”

    I might be your sister-from-another-mister, but I will never be far away.

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