Another day

There’s that saying “it’s always darkest before the dawn” …along the lines of “it has to get worse before it gets better” My therapists have told me that as they try to explain to me why I am “worse” now. Why I have a harder time holding back the tears, why I am experiencing so much more rage and anxiety, why I am feeling the pendulum of desperate hopelessness and flickers of hope so much more intensely now than ever before in the last 18 months. PTSD sucks, to be put it mildly. This trip back to see the boys has been a struggle in composure for me. Every street I drive, every store I go into is an exercise in trying to control the over-whelming memories and swarms of physical attacks that accompany them. While I am honest with the boys about my feelings and how I am dealing with grief and depression I am also trying to not have them too acutely aware what I am going through right now. I know this is necessary and that eventually it will get easier. This trip in particular though is a really rough one.

Feeling jittery and angry this morning. Angry and impatient. I have never been a person blessed with patience and this is no surprise to me that I feel this way – and have for some time. I am not kind to myself when it comes to standards and expectations. I WANT to be better and to be able to move forward and I am exceedingly frustrated that I just am slammed back all the time by grief and depression. My anger at grief as it holds me is growing day by day it feels like. I have been counselled by therapists that I can’t struggle and resist it – that in order to heal and move through it I need to go into it and experience the pain and then process those feelings. I get that – but let’s face it… I have been “feeling” this shit for a while now and there has been (seemingly, to me) no “better”. Granted, maybe this is the “darkest before the dawn” time and I am just too immersed in it to see it and acknowledge it. I’ll concede that.

So I count the hours until I leave the mainland this morning. Partly anxious to be away from the places and visual reminders of pain…more so though hating to leave the boys and already missing them L. And seriously regretting not taking a sleeping pill last night; there’s nothing like a little extra sleep deprivation to put a spin of nerves and emotions on your morning…

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