Before you start reading, go ahead and get this going….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlprozGcs80
It’s hard to express the emotions swirling about tonight. Had a “good” day today. Don’t know why and I’m not trying too hard to figure it out. Just enjoying that I woke up this morning and felt all right. Went for a run during the day at work and went for an extra long walk home. Decided to have a bath and watch some shows on my laptop while I tried not to get too pruney in there for too long J. For the first time in a very long time I felt like doing some Yoga…. Something that has always brought me comfort and made me felt good… but also something I haven’t been able to do really since Willie died. It has lost all connection for me. Tonight though it felt right. So some Yoga, gentle with myself and not much really but it felt good. I had stumbled across a blog tonight before my bath which I’ll write a bit about later but it sunk in that my body and I need to get re-connected.
In the midst of my sitting pose I suddenly had a flash of a song that I used to love… as song that when I used to hear it made me smile and cry …the kind of music that makes you sway inside and wonder how anyone could have created something so beautiful out of their own minds. I remember that the first time I saw my first son after he was born I thought the same thing… I was stunned that something so perfect and beautiful and amazing could just “be” created. Every time I held each of my boys – the awe never lessened. I felt the same way about this piece of music. Every time I hear it – it’s like the first time.
So I stopped practicing my poses and flipped to youtube to hunt it down…found it and plugged in the speakers and just sat and listened… and do you know what…? It was beautiful and perfect and amazing – just like it had been. So I smiled and cried and felt… it hurts to feel the sadness but in finally really embracing that pain there’s an awareness that if the pain can be felt this strongly then the joy and happiness can be again too. Something as simple as hearing a piece of music and feeling it inside like I used to awakens that other joy can be possible again too. Not bad for little ditty composed ages ago.