I’m fine

I have been told a lot lately that I need to “let go” and move on. That my depression and ultimately my grieving is caused by my own actions in remembering and thinking about Willie. That I am “dwelling” on his death and not allowing myself to get “better” because I am the root cause of my own suffering – the fault lies in that I look at his pictures, that I don’t put the pictures away and that I talk about him.  I have been accused (albeit nicely) of not wanting to be better, of knowing what I need to do and choosing to not do it. I am at the end of my patience and ability to deal with people who tell me that. I don’t choose to be grieving. My son is dead. That won’t go away. I can not look at pictures; I can not talk about him… that won’t stop my mind from remembering that he lived and that he died. Plain and simple.  Let me grieve for whatever length of time it takes. In my heart, right now, it’s not the right time to simply move on… feelings need to be felt. Emotions need to be expressed. I spent the first almost year after his death pushing it away and trying to move on… what happened is it has hit with a vengeance. Will pushing it away and refusing to feel what needs to be felt make me better? Or will it just prolong the grieving process because I’m refusing to deal with the emotions and the reality? I do NOT want how I am feeling right now to be how I feel for the rest of my life.

I find it an interesting contradiction that I was told a few months ago that I had been pushing the feelings away and that they needed to be felt and dealt with in order for me to grieve fully and process what I need to so that I can move forward. So I stopped running from the emotions. I faced my loss and the pain. And now that I’m not getting better and am in fact still deep in a depression that I am struggling to get through, I am being told to not think about him, to put the memories aside and just move forward. Well, guess what…that was what I did before. Sure as hell didn’t work then. But I guess it’s easier for everyone else to deal with if I just am “ok” instead of being how I am.  Should I just start faking it and saying I’m “fine” when a friend asks how I am? Apparently I should. So to my “friends” whose advice is to just move on… consider it done. I’m fine J. Until I’m not, but don’t worry, I won’t be reaching out to you when that happens because the last thing I want is another lecture on why I’m the cause of my own grief.

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4 thoughts on “I’m fine

  1. It takes as long as it takes. Period. Took me almost five years to deal with my mom’s death. In the meantime, live the best you can. Find happiness where you can. And just keep breathing. xoxo

  2. The grieving process can take a long time and nobody can say how long it will take you. We are all different in how we deal with those feelings of sadness and the memories of the loved one. I wonder how many of your friends have suffered the loss of a child? And under such tragic circumstances? Most likely none. So nobody can tell you how long it should take you to get through this indescribable pain. Your friends, some of them, may be well meaning and wanting to see you “happy” again and “back to how you used to be”, but they are not suffering your loss and cannot relate fully to your feelings or the way you deal with that pain. Grieving is such a long trip, but we do eventually find a way to live wit it. When that happens for you no one can say. Just try and forgive them for their ignorance, but don’t say you are “fine” if you aren’t. True friends will not make you feel badly about your feelings.
    As your Mom I can sympathize with you and better understand your pain better than most of your friends can. Just so your best, sweetie, and know how much you are loved by your family who also are suffering, but not to the degree you are. We do accept you and understand your pain and realize grieving perhaps more than others.

    Take care of yourself, beautiful daughter, I love you!

    Mom
    xoxoxoxo

  3. I am uncomfortable with death. There isn’t much help either with the social conditioning surrounding death. I am unsure about what to say or how to act when i see your pain. To cover my uncertainty I offer you clumsy platitudes. I just don’t realize how hurtful I am being.

    I am sorry. I have stopped reaching out to you. I have withdrawn from you knowing that I have nothing to offer. I have no words for a mother who has lost her child because there just aren’t any words that could help.

    I am grateful that you have people in your life that know what to say.

    I am ignorant in the face of your ordeal. I am willing to learn though.

    My ineptitude does not mean I care any less.

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