Missing

It feels like yesterday that my life was filled with schedules that drove me crazy with juggling what always felt like too many things to fit into too few hours of every day. Days of potty training and breast-feeding and diaper bags. Trying to collapse a stroller with one hand, holding the baby with the other and keeping an eye on what the others were up to while my attention was momentarily off them!
Days of school routines, lunches to be made and backpacks packed. Kids delivered or walked to school. Band concerts, parent/teacher meetings, PAC duties, hot lunch days and Scout activities to round out the medley of family life. All the while watching my boys grow and change and start to wander past infancy, toddlerhood, youth and eventually, for some, into young adulthood.
Even in the midst of what I look back on as the “blur years” I recall how happy I was then. Even in the chaos and the hurried atmosphere I loved it. I had always wanted to get married and have kids and I relished those years. The happiest times of my life were when I was run off my feet and over-whelmed with kid and family “to-do’s”! Not to mention working as well… the job always felt like an after thought!

Nothing compares with the feel of a baby in your arms, looking up as it nurses…the smell of a freshly shampooed head after a bedtime bath…or that scent of beach after a long day in the summer of just playing in the sand…the little bodies wrapped in blankets and held close for snuggles…the feeling, so indescribable, of a little soft hand held loosely in yours as you walk, listening to the chatter of the owner of that little hand – smiling as you try to decipher the meaning of the combination of baby speech and grown up vocabulary coming out of your child. A moment in memory that captures pure happiness for me.
A single parent a couple of times…what strikes me most was after my last separation the sense of peace that came over me when the moving was done and I sat back and was surrounded by my boys. My life was tumultuous and in flux with a number of areas that needed to settle but all that mattered was that I had my boys and everything was ok. No matter what else was off kilter in our lives, the fact that I had all my boys and I under one roof meant that my world was okay.
It’s hard to explain the “rightness” that I felt inside when I was with my boys. It was simply that things were as they should be.
That’s what I miss that’s no longer in my life.

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