Anniversary time…

We get caught up in anniversaries all the time. Next month marks Willie’s 17th birthday and I am already dreading that day. The fact that he won’t ever be here to celebrate another birthday is weighing on me badly right now. Beyond that though is the realization that for me, everyday is starting to feel that way.
I’m at the point now with timelines that I can look back to one year ago from now and see that this is when it was really starting. Willie’s mood had been worsening throughout the summer but September was when it took a horrendous turn for the worse. September and October were months of taking it day by day, not knowing what was going on but being acutely aware that things were not “normal”. That my gut feeling of things being not just the usual teenage angst and anger was starting to become harder to ignore.
Up until this past couple of weeks I could still look back to one year ago and remember mostly “normal” and ok family life. This fall marks for me the inability to have a “one year ago” that was anything other than horrible.
Feeling very much like that may be the reason for my very marked turn in mood and depression that I am fighting right now. I have to, for my own sanity, have a reason beyond the obvious one of Willie’s death. I struggle everyday with the feeling of not wanting to wake one more day with this reality. I can say with clarity that I understand finally what Willie spoke about in his journals of not wanting to be awake or conscious, of just wanting to have the pain ended and done. I would be remiss to say that his choice of how to make it all go away has not crossed my mind, as it continues to.
It truly is healing one day at a time and trying to move forward. Still not at the point of “good days and bad days” but trying very hard to see the moments of good within the days of just getting through it.


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