The Spiral Begins

Another hard day in what has become a steady stream of hard days. So many “firsts” and so many reminders that life is no longer what it was.
The first day of school today. The first day of what would have been Grade 12 for Willie, but it’s not. He won’t attend school this year, he won’t graduate, he won’t have struggles trying to decide what to do after graduation or what to become… no career choices, no jobs, nothing.
It is so hard to see comments on facebook from friends about their children starting Grade 12 and not feel anger and hurt. Not even sure what the anger and the hurt are directed at… not them… but a general anger at Life. At the unfairness of it…the mean way that we tried so hard, that our efforts should have held some measure of a positive effect – but they didn’t.
It goes beyond just Willie though for me and the loss of what might have been with him. I have such a profound sense of loss for my life as it was. My life is no longer filled with children and responsibilities and demands. My life and lifestyle are so fundamentally altered that I don’t recognize it, or me, most days. I don’t know how to slog through the days and make sense of it all.
The anger is there as I try to re-build my life and put it back together again, differently. Trying to make sense of how to do it and have it feel “right” or “ok” when it flies in the face of what I’ve know for so long.
Strangely enough, the anger is not at Willie. The blame is not at him. I don’t know if I feel blame at all really…anger, yes. But anger at the fact that this is my reality now.

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