Re-visited

I went out for a run today in Oak Bay. I am in the process of getting ready to make the move to Victoria and decided that a run would help relieve some stress and clear my head a bit.

Running in the same area I did back in December when I was in town, trying to escape from the craziness of my life then. Attempting to find some solace and peace during what was a time of pain and confusion with my son.

As I ran today I thought of how things have changed in the last 6 months. The drastic and vast changes of the landscape of my life seems unbelieveable at times to me. In part because I don’t want to believe them, in part because they just seem so wrong as to be impossible.

As I meander on my run I find myself coming out towards the water and look around almost in amazement as I realize I am at the same beach that I arrived at back in December. The beach I sat on and cried and made a promise to myself that I would find a way to make it here eventually; where I longed to be and where it felt right for me to call home.

So I stop and walk down to the edge of the water; moving slowly and taking in the view. The last time I was here it was dark and the moon was shining starkly on the water. Reflecting and shimmering. Beautiful in its coldness. Today it’s overcast with a bit of a chill in the air. A aplash in the water catches my attention and a sea otter slips under the waters surface. Aside from that it is calm and quiet. Just a little nook of a beach really…small and lonely.

As I walk back and forth it strikes me that while so much has changed in my life, this area is unchanged. Still the same and still here. It feel impossible to me that when so much has altered, that anything can remain untouched and the same but here it is – the little beach, the same. The only thing different is me.

As the tears fall and my sobs come I feel such a sense of release. The feeling that I can’t change it. That no matter how much I don’t want it to be true, that it is. So I sit and cry and stop trying to make sense of it.

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