Trying to move forward…just had my second and final sitting for my new tattoo….a permanent reminder not only of my beautiful and amazing son who isn’t with me anymore but also an “out there” declaration to myself more than anything of the need to embrace what is.
The name of this blog is embedded within the tattoo and these words were chosen by me months ago as they struck a chord with the changes and the growth I had been making and was continuing to make in my life.
I had chatted with Willie about the need for an upcoming tattoo…yes, they are landmarks for me. Each of them marking a significant point on my journey. His thoughts on “truth freedom joy” were blunt and that he was happy for me but that it was impossible for him to find that. We spent alot of time talking about that. I spent hours trying to convince that he just had to stick around and it would work itself out with some help. He wasn’t able to see that.
This new tattoo is a compilation of the words that I hold so dear that Willie was so incapable of believing could apply to him as well. The imagery in it is “him”… the daisy I always said he was to me; wild, so beautiful in it’s simplicity. A butterfly, indicative of the energy that is now not gone but transformed. Wind that carries the newness on it’s own journey…away but never forgotten. Off to somewhere we don’t know and can’t understand.
Truth means so much. Right now, the truth I need to embrace is that no matter how much I yearn for this to be untrue…it is….acceptance of any truth is a battle. I have learned so many truths about myself and the acceptance has been hard won. Embracing this one is proving to be, as Willie would have said, “epic”!
The bounty that comes from it though will be amazing – the ability to laugh and remember him without the hurt and pain as it is now, I’m sure it will always be there but softer – that will be the freedom that follows the acceptance. The freedom to live and enjoy and experience life. He is gone. Nothing will change that. The sun does rise every morning and set every night. As unbelieveable as that may be with him gone….there will be a day when I can look at the sunrise and see the truth that it is beautiful and not just a reminder that each day is without him.


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